Zoloft, Happiness and Positivity
I've been noticing this more and more...that every time I go and do something, later on, someone comes back and is amazed that I just did more for them that other people have or would have.
Well, I'm ten days out of completing my second month on Sertraline (Zoloft). Now, for someone who likes to dwell, has a nasty case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression and has the beginnings of Rheumatoid Arthritis, I was pretty miserable all the time. I just couldn't get over how some people just couldn't accept good people and take what they were handing out at face value. I kept questioning why, WHY were people so bent on hurting other people when it takes less effort to do something kind and polite, enriching the world around you? That was mixed with suicidal tendencies, in other words, I just couldn't wait to die. I started smoking when I was 18 because I couldn't come up with any other way to kill myself then by smoking. Yeah, that's it, Lung Cancer...and it's painful too! Just the icing I needed because of my depression. I hurt all the time emotionally, hell, why not die a painful death too?
Well, thanks to my meds...those days are over. Thank the BAHRO!! Jeez!!! I missed my dose of Sertraline the other day and thought to myself, "How in hell did I live like this?" Ugh...the anxiety (which I still have sometimes but much less, thanks to the meds), the seizures (that have all but stopped), the mean and nasty headaches and feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and desperation (which I gratefully don't have anymore). Thank the BAHRO I don't have to deal with all that garbage any more. But, the problem that I'm fighting is GENETIC...both sides of the family, my mother's and my father's family were both extremely violent. I mean V-I-O-L-E-N-T. According to my father, my mother's childhood was a nightmare. She was physically beaten until she was in her 20's and mentally beaten until she was in her 50's by her parents. She even moved across the Atlantic Ocean to get away from them. I don't blame her. According to my mother, my dad's childhood wasn't anything to be thrilled with either...his dad was a violent SOB...who, by the way just celebrated his 105th birthday. There are nothing but horror stories on both sides of the family, from my mother being held down by her sisters and being repeatedly kicked in the crotch with pointy toed shoes to my dad's mother being thrown out of bed, after she became bedridden with Rheumatoid Arthritis, and beaten by my grandfather until she had broken bones. The violence in my family is incredible. However, when you are looking at things logically, you would think that since both of my parents went through such bad things, why on Earth would they want to pass it along? Well, I have this to say for my Dad, the buck stopped with him. He did not pass on more physical violence...there were one or two instances between my mom and dad when I was a kid, but it never went past my teens. My mother however, is a different story. She's MAJORLY screwed up. There are no if's, and's or but's, she is just plain screwed up so bad that it would take 80 years of therapy PLUS medication to make her normal. She was the one who dished out the worst when I was a kid. I hated every day she had to take me to school because she never failed to tell me how completely worthless I was and how I might be pretty on the outside, but I was ugly on the inside. It wasn't until I stood up to her in my mid-20's that she stopped physically abusing me. The last time she reached back to hit me, I stood squarely in front of her and said, "Go on, do it, hit me...make it good though, because after you do it, you're never going to do it again. Bring it on, I dare you, because the moment you hit me, you're going to jail. You'll never EVER lay a hand on me again for the rest of your life and I WILL press charges because what you are about to do is assault." She lowered her hand and walked away...she's never hit me again since. However, that doesn't stop her mental abuse towards my father, my sister and myself. Now though, she's got to get through 6'4" and 215 lbs. of my husband that will NOT under any circumstances put up with her saying negative word one to me. My mother is deathly afraid of my husband and boy, am I glad. He's kept me out of the line of fire so many times that I feel like I owe him my life.
But, like the old saying goes, "The Buck Stops Here". And it really does, in me. I'M responsible for the fact that these violent traits won't get passed down to future generations. I'M the one who has to remember all of the horrible acts of violence, accept them for what they were and move on, not carrying them like a chip on my shoulder, but to make them a part of my past and make sure that every day I do something loving and positive to counterbalance the really horrid childhood I had. The buck stops here and I'm not passing along what I got. I'm replacing it with love.
The other day, after I broke it to my mother that I was taking Zoloft, and she looked at me and said, "Where did you get that stuff (depression, anxiety, PTSD) from?" My jaw nearly hit the floor. Now not only am I on Zoloft, but my sister is too. She asked honestly where we got it from. I couldn't believe what I was hearing!!! She was the one who was primarily responsible for a lot of the things that are wrong, Genetically and Environmentally. My Dad has passed a little bit of it along genetically as well, but no where NEAR what my mother put in the pot. After she asked me that, I calmly, point-blank told her, "From You." Which was the truth. The next day, when I was taking my Dad to physio for his knee, he told me, "Don't ever mention your medication to your mother again. She blames me for the way you are." I came home and told my husband about what my father had said. All my husband said was, "Of course she's not going to realize that she's the reason, she's so unconscious of what she does to others and unconscious of what the consequences of her malicious behaviour are on others. She's never going to understand, so you need to accept the fact that she's not and move on. You can't change her and you can't help her." Like my husband and I always say in our home, "You can't save the world on your own." It's sad too. My true nature is to always be helpful, to remember my dear departed friend Janet (Pepsi) by making sure that I greet everyone I meet with a sunny disposition, to always make my words kind, gentle and tasteful for one day I may be forced to eat them and make everywhere I go better than when I found it. That's me. That's what is in my heart. My close friends know that I am the world's biggest softy, that I cry at the drop of a hat, that I want so much good for everyone around me that my heart just can't keep up with all the love I want to give.
In the There forums, a good friend of mine posted this in a rave someone had started about me:
I once had the pleasure to see her work with a class and I can only second what you all say. She is a great artist, a conscientious technician and very good (and patient) teacher and also an absolutely wonderful person pouring every drop of her heart blood into each single project she touches.I feel deep respect for Shaeri as she has shown more than only creativity and interest in the (not only the developing) community. She is a strong and consistent but also warm hearted and forgiving soul. Some may envy her for her skills and her friends and some just may not understand her true inside, but if you ever have the chance to take a peek of what she has to offer, you will find that love is the only truth and worth sharing every single day.I also happen to know that she has a hard drive full of great stuff waiting for submission. So keep attending her classes and buy her stuff!
I couldn't believe what I read...but there it was..."but if you ever have the chance to take a peek of what she has to offer, you will find that love is the only truth and worth sharing every single day." I was so moved by that. There was actually someone in the world that "Got me", that understood that all I wanted to do was share good things with people and always remain positive. I loved that quote so much that I named my Virtual Surf Shop in There "Shaering Love" it's a play on the spelling of my name in There, "Shaeri". It is truth though. That's what I do, I share love. I share my love of surfing, I share my love of creating, I share my passion for going beyond the boundaries of the "Cookie Cutter Status Quo". Most of all, I just prefer to share love. You get what you give, and if I'm handing out love, that's all I should logically be getting back in return.
The history of violence in my family stops here. And boy, am I glad.
During Christmas, my husband and I stopped in to Victoria's Secret to pick up some silk pajamas for my mother, well, the girls behind the counter were kind of dour. I mean they had looks on their faces like they had just been taken out behind the barn and had the hell beaten out of them. I looked at them and said, "Are you two OK? Has everyone not been being sweet to you today?" They looked at me in shock and said, "Everyone has been so rude. They are so demanding and they never say thank you." To which I replied, "Well, I'm saying thank you and I truly appreciate all that you're doing. You've been really nice to me and I appreciate it. So y'all remember that it's only a couple of hours until you get off work and you can go do things that make you happy. I hope y'all both have a great evening, and please, don't let these ungrateful folks get you down or take away your happiness." They both looked at each other, then looked at me and said, "Wow, you're the nicest person we've seen all day. Thank you so much. It always seems like no one cares, I guess we were wrong." With that, I looked at them and said, "You both have a very Merry Christmas, I hope you get everything that you wish for." As we were walking out, my husband looked at me and said, "If you ever doubted what an excellent human being you are, that was proof positive that you make everyone that you meet a better person after they meet you. You really do make a difference in people's lives."
I had a bizarre experience a couple of weeks ago. I'm so used to feeling horrible and hopeless, anxiety and depression has ruled my life for so long that when I'm making up, I usually think of how miserable I am. But that day, as I was putting on my make up, I looked in the mirror and suddenly a very unusual thought popped into my head, "It's good to be alive." It alarmed me at first, that is not a phrase I usually think of or use...but then I realized something and smiled at my reflection in the mirror...
It is good to be alive.
Well, I'm ten days out of completing my second month on Sertraline (Zoloft). Now, for someone who likes to dwell, has a nasty case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression and has the beginnings of Rheumatoid Arthritis, I was pretty miserable all the time. I just couldn't get over how some people just couldn't accept good people and take what they were handing out at face value. I kept questioning why, WHY were people so bent on hurting other people when it takes less effort to do something kind and polite, enriching the world around you? That was mixed with suicidal tendencies, in other words, I just couldn't wait to die. I started smoking when I was 18 because I couldn't come up with any other way to kill myself then by smoking. Yeah, that's it, Lung Cancer...and it's painful too! Just the icing I needed because of my depression. I hurt all the time emotionally, hell, why not die a painful death too?
Well, thanks to my meds...those days are over. Thank the BAHRO!! Jeez!!! I missed my dose of Sertraline the other day and thought to myself, "How in hell did I live like this?" Ugh...the anxiety (which I still have sometimes but much less, thanks to the meds), the seizures (that have all but stopped), the mean and nasty headaches and feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and desperation (which I gratefully don't have anymore). Thank the BAHRO I don't have to deal with all that garbage any more. But, the problem that I'm fighting is GENETIC...both sides of the family, my mother's and my father's family were both extremely violent. I mean V-I-O-L-E-N-T. According to my father, my mother's childhood was a nightmare. She was physically beaten until she was in her 20's and mentally beaten until she was in her 50's by her parents. She even moved across the Atlantic Ocean to get away from them. I don't blame her. According to my mother, my dad's childhood wasn't anything to be thrilled with either...his dad was a violent SOB...who, by the way just celebrated his 105th birthday. There are nothing but horror stories on both sides of the family, from my mother being held down by her sisters and being repeatedly kicked in the crotch with pointy toed shoes to my dad's mother being thrown out of bed, after she became bedridden with Rheumatoid Arthritis, and beaten by my grandfather until she had broken bones. The violence in my family is incredible. However, when you are looking at things logically, you would think that since both of my parents went through such bad things, why on Earth would they want to pass it along? Well, I have this to say for my Dad, the buck stopped with him. He did not pass on more physical violence...there were one or two instances between my mom and dad when I was a kid, but it never went past my teens. My mother however, is a different story. She's MAJORLY screwed up. There are no if's, and's or but's, she is just plain screwed up so bad that it would take 80 years of therapy PLUS medication to make her normal. She was the one who dished out the worst when I was a kid. I hated every day she had to take me to school because she never failed to tell me how completely worthless I was and how I might be pretty on the outside, but I was ugly on the inside. It wasn't until I stood up to her in my mid-20's that she stopped physically abusing me. The last time she reached back to hit me, I stood squarely in front of her and said, "Go on, do it, hit me...make it good though, because after you do it, you're never going to do it again. Bring it on, I dare you, because the moment you hit me, you're going to jail. You'll never EVER lay a hand on me again for the rest of your life and I WILL press charges because what you are about to do is assault." She lowered her hand and walked away...she's never hit me again since. However, that doesn't stop her mental abuse towards my father, my sister and myself. Now though, she's got to get through 6'4" and 215 lbs. of my husband that will NOT under any circumstances put up with her saying negative word one to me. My mother is deathly afraid of my husband and boy, am I glad. He's kept me out of the line of fire so many times that I feel like I owe him my life.
But, like the old saying goes, "The Buck Stops Here". And it really does, in me. I'M responsible for the fact that these violent traits won't get passed down to future generations. I'M the one who has to remember all of the horrible acts of violence, accept them for what they were and move on, not carrying them like a chip on my shoulder, but to make them a part of my past and make sure that every day I do something loving and positive to counterbalance the really horrid childhood I had. The buck stops here and I'm not passing along what I got. I'm replacing it with love.
The other day, after I broke it to my mother that I was taking Zoloft, and she looked at me and said, "Where did you get that stuff (depression, anxiety, PTSD) from?" My jaw nearly hit the floor. Now not only am I on Zoloft, but my sister is too. She asked honestly where we got it from. I couldn't believe what I was hearing!!! She was the one who was primarily responsible for a lot of the things that are wrong, Genetically and Environmentally. My Dad has passed a little bit of it along genetically as well, but no where NEAR what my mother put in the pot. After she asked me that, I calmly, point-blank told her, "From You." Which was the truth. The next day, when I was taking my Dad to physio for his knee, he told me, "Don't ever mention your medication to your mother again. She blames me for the way you are." I came home and told my husband about what my father had said. All my husband said was, "Of course she's not going to realize that she's the reason, she's so unconscious of what she does to others and unconscious of what the consequences of her malicious behaviour are on others. She's never going to understand, so you need to accept the fact that she's not and move on. You can't change her and you can't help her." Like my husband and I always say in our home, "You can't save the world on your own." It's sad too. My true nature is to always be helpful, to remember my dear departed friend Janet (Pepsi) by making sure that I greet everyone I meet with a sunny disposition, to always make my words kind, gentle and tasteful for one day I may be forced to eat them and make everywhere I go better than when I found it. That's me. That's what is in my heart. My close friends know that I am the world's biggest softy, that I cry at the drop of a hat, that I want so much good for everyone around me that my heart just can't keep up with all the love I want to give.
In the There forums, a good friend of mine posted this in a rave someone had started about me:
I once had the pleasure to see her work with a class and I can only second what you all say. She is a great artist, a conscientious technician and very good (and patient) teacher and also an absolutely wonderful person pouring every drop of her heart blood into each single project she touches.I feel deep respect for Shaeri as she has shown more than only creativity and interest in the (not only the developing) community. She is a strong and consistent but also warm hearted and forgiving soul. Some may envy her for her skills and her friends and some just may not understand her true inside, but if you ever have the chance to take a peek of what she has to offer, you will find that love is the only truth and worth sharing every single day.I also happen to know that she has a hard drive full of great stuff waiting for submission. So keep attending her classes and buy her stuff!
I couldn't believe what I read...but there it was..."but if you ever have the chance to take a peek of what she has to offer, you will find that love is the only truth and worth sharing every single day." I was so moved by that. There was actually someone in the world that "Got me", that understood that all I wanted to do was share good things with people and always remain positive. I loved that quote so much that I named my Virtual Surf Shop in There "Shaering Love" it's a play on the spelling of my name in There, "Shaeri". It is truth though. That's what I do, I share love. I share my love of surfing, I share my love of creating, I share my passion for going beyond the boundaries of the "Cookie Cutter Status Quo". Most of all, I just prefer to share love. You get what you give, and if I'm handing out love, that's all I should logically be getting back in return.
The history of violence in my family stops here. And boy, am I glad.
During Christmas, my husband and I stopped in to Victoria's Secret to pick up some silk pajamas for my mother, well, the girls behind the counter were kind of dour. I mean they had looks on their faces like they had just been taken out behind the barn and had the hell beaten out of them. I looked at them and said, "Are you two OK? Has everyone not been being sweet to you today?" They looked at me in shock and said, "Everyone has been so rude. They are so demanding and they never say thank you." To which I replied, "Well, I'm saying thank you and I truly appreciate all that you're doing. You've been really nice to me and I appreciate it. So y'all remember that it's only a couple of hours until you get off work and you can go do things that make you happy. I hope y'all both have a great evening, and please, don't let these ungrateful folks get you down or take away your happiness." They both looked at each other, then looked at me and said, "Wow, you're the nicest person we've seen all day. Thank you so much. It always seems like no one cares, I guess we were wrong." With that, I looked at them and said, "You both have a very Merry Christmas, I hope you get everything that you wish for." As we were walking out, my husband looked at me and said, "If you ever doubted what an excellent human being you are, that was proof positive that you make everyone that you meet a better person after they meet you. You really do make a difference in people's lives."
I had a bizarre experience a couple of weeks ago. I'm so used to feeling horrible and hopeless, anxiety and depression has ruled my life for so long that when I'm making up, I usually think of how miserable I am. But that day, as I was putting on my make up, I looked in the mirror and suddenly a very unusual thought popped into my head, "It's good to be alive." It alarmed me at first, that is not a phrase I usually think of or use...but then I realized something and smiled at my reflection in the mirror...
It is good to be alive.
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