Emptiness

There are so many things, that over time, that I've missed about myself. My world has changed so dramatically in the last 8 years, that pieces of me have become missing.

I found one piece over the last couple of days that I hadn't seen in so long.

A reflection in the mirror that told me that I was completely alone. I think I can actually feel my blood turning to ice.

I remember as a child being rejected and hated for who I am. That my punishment for my passion and intelligence is that I am condemned to hell for actually using it.

I remember being a 13 year old, condemned to lunches in the highest room of my junior high school, looking down through the windows at all of the children who lived to hate me. Who lived to abuse me and were a constant reminder that I have no place in this world.

I looked in the mirror today at my tear-streaked face. A face I haven't seen like that in close to 20 years. But the pain is so familiar, it's this void in the middle of my chest that seems almost endless. That "if you put your ear next to my heart, you could probably hear the ocean". Death would be a welcome prospect at this point, at least there would be no more pain. But I lack the courage to just take my own life. How ever much I have begged God on my 36 years on the planet to just let me die, I haven't. I guess I'm just supposed to handle it.

I'm trying to remember, so desperately, how I survived it. I think I may have blocked it out. Because I can't remember.

The emptiness is pain. Just this torturous pain that won't let go no matter how much I cry, no matter what front I put up. But I think what I may have done is made it a part of me, embraced it like an old friend that would protect me.

I think that's what I'm going to do now. Reaquaint myself with my old friend, open my arms to it and let it engulf me, reminding me that I have no place in the world, that all I've got is it and all it has is me. To let it wash over me, numbing my senses, turning what is left of my heart and the rest of me into an impenetrable block of ice.

I think it's how I survived last time. I think my heart should be a very large block of ice. Allowing no love to penetrate it, allowing no feeling to come from it. Just cold. Just cold, calculated moves. I survived on that and I can do it again. That block of ice in my chest will serve me well once again. That all anyone will feel from me is this unnerving cold.

I had forgotten that I had that old dear friend of mine just waiting to get put back into the game. Well, Emptiness pal, you're back and you're all I've got.

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